Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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