allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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