Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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