I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
