If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
