The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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