I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
