Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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