We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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