There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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