When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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