I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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