How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
