I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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