Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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