i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
