if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
