I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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