I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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