you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
