I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I stole a fireplace last night.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
