Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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