So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Holy shit dude........stairs
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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