tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
sex in a hospital.. check
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
