Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
