Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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