i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
