I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You made out with two different species that night
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
