Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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