It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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