explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
