I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
