Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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