Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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