oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize