I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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