Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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