just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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