And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
dude. I can hear the air.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
