I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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