She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
