Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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