just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
