I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
