i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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