anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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