apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
