I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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