careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
