I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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