I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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