i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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