I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
