im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize