The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
