I wish my penis had an off switch
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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