I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
